Kinky, Dinky, and Dock
by SmileVampy
Summary: A thankless job, an overbearing wife... ah, the domestic woes of Dobby the house elf... The title will make sense when you read it Reviews are appreciated!


A/N Hullo! This is just an itty-bitty one-shot that popped into my head today. Hopefully I've captured the spirit of marriages gone sour... and hopefully you'll find it somewhat funny. Or at least disturbing... heh...

DISCLAIMER: Harry Potter sir, you are not SmileVampy's!

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**Kinky, Dinky, and Dock**

Winky clutched a fresh bottle of butterbeer between her elfish hands, one of which was obscured by a plastic diamond ring. She rested the cool glass against her protruding, obviously pregnant tummy. After a few hiccups, she took a deep, cleansing breath and screamed "DOBBY!"

Dobby scurried into the room, an anxious look upon his face. "Dobby is here, Winky dear... what is it that Winky wants?" he asked.

"Winky wants to -hic!- know where Dobby was last night when Winky wasn't well!" She spat. "And Winky -hic!- wants more butterbeer!" Winky threw the empty bottle to the ground (which had been a full bottle 30 seconds ago).

"Dobby thinks Winky is drinking too much," Dobby grumbled, rummaging through some cupboards till he found more butterbeer. "Dobby thinks it's not good for the baby. The baby will get sick. Dobby knows this."

"Don't -hic!- change the subject!" Winky screeched, causing Dobby to cringe. "Where was Dobby last night? What does Dobby do when he is not -hic!- with Winky?" She snatched the butterbeer bottle from Dobby and pried the cork off with her teeth.

Dobby bit his lip. "Dobby is out and about cleaning the castle, of course. It is Dobby's duty!"

"Poopycock!"

"It's true! Dobby does his work! Not lazy like Winky... sitting around, moping... drinking all day!"

Winky gasped. "Dobby will -hic!- take that back! Winky is pregnant... Winky will cry..."

Dobby's already huge eyes widened in horror. "Dobby is sorry! Don't cry! Dobby is very sorry and will punish himself later for hurting Winky!"

Winky smiled. "Good. Now tell wifey Winky the truth... what did -hic!- Dobby do last night?"

"Dobby was cleaning... and then after Dobby was cleaning... Dobby spent some time by himself." Dobby shot a worried look at Winky and added quickly, "But if Dobby had known Winky was not feeling well, Dobby would have pandered to Winky's every need."

This explanation seemed to satisfy Winky... until she caught sight of a large black sock sticking out from under the dirty pillowcase that Dobby wore. "Winky thought -hic!- she told Dobby to get rid of that filthy sock!"

It was Dobby's turn to gasp as he seized his beloved sock protectively. "Winky knows Dobby can't get rid of this sock! This sock was given to Dobby by the great Harry Potter! It is because of Harry Potter-"

"-that Dobby is free," Winky finished for him. "All Dobby is ever -hic!- talking about is 'Harry Potter this' and 'Harry Potter that!' And that -hic!- icky sock! Winky bets that Dobby was spending -hic!- time with that sock last night... time that Dobby could be spending with -hic!- Winky! Dobby was playing with his sock!"

Dobby flushed an impressive scarlet. "Well... ummm... yes?" he squeaked.

Winky's eyes bulged clear out of their sockets. "Winky was right! Dobby loves Harry Potter's sock more than he loves Winky!"

"That is not true!"

"Yes it -hic!- is! Winky is unloved, and Winky can't take it any more!" She rose from her little chair with much difficulty, being hindered by her immense tummy. "Winky knows where she is not wanted!" Swaying on the spot, she gathered as many butterbeers as she could carry and waddled to the door.

"Winky, wait!" Dobby said. There was pure venom in the look Winky gave Dobby as she turned to face him. "What about... what about the baby?"

"Ha!" Winky said haughtily as she threw her wedding ring into the fire. "Dobby doesn't need to -hic!- worry himself about that! The -hic!- baby is not even Dobby's baby! The baby is _Kreacher's_ baby."

Dobby was speechless.

"Kreacher will take care of us..." Winky said, storming out of the room in a huff.

After a couple minutes, the realization hit Dobby like a flock of Bludgers. He resisted the urge to vomit, shrugged his shoulders, and began the arduous task of clearing his home of Winky's belongings... which mostly consisted of empty butterbeer bottles.

And that night, after a long and trying day...

Dobby made sweet, sweet love to Harry Potter's sock.

FIN

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A/N: (laughs maniacally) Messed up, no? Review, or I'll sic pregnant, hormonal Winky on you! 

P.S. I think it goes without saying that Kreacher will make a _really_ bad father...

SmileVampy


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